Do you think too much? How to free yourself from overthinking with Pea Callesen

July 2021  Vol 3 Issue 7

Tell Your Story Newsletter (TYSN):

Specializing in Entrepreneurial and Organizational Storytelling

Let me tell your story!

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IN THIS ISSUE:

ARTICLE 1: Do you think too much? How to free yourself from overthinking, with Pea Callesen

STORYTELLERS’ CORNER: Word nerd alert! The case of pall and pallor

SHOP NEWS

ABOUT US

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Welcome Mid-July, 2021!

Another week-long heatwave has blanketed Western Canada, punctuating these late days of the Covid pandemic. The heat has brought some needed stillness, it seems to me, amidst the discovery of yet more unmarked graves from Indian Residential Schools and amidst other stories of suffering and loss, such as the devastation of the collapsed condominium tower in Seaside, Florida.

When so much of our planet is dogged by strife and loss, I am especially grateful that many of us (including me) are blessed to have safe homes and communities in which to live and work and have our being.

As we ease back into life after the lifting of restrictions last Sunday, do you feel trepidation, relief, or both? And as high summer brings holiday time to many, what are you most grateful for?

In this month’s issue, I discuss the challenge of overthinking–something which so many of us are prone to, especially in recent times, and which can precipitate anxiety and depression. Psychologist Pea Callesen weighs in on what we can do to stop mental rumination.

And in “Storytellers’ Corner,” we visit “word nerd”  Bryan Garner’s blog posting, where he differentiates between the use of  the ominous terms of “pall” and “pallor.”

Although technically, our daylight hours are shortening and although rain is desperately needed across the province, I remain aware of the beauty of nature that surrounds us: Early morning birdsong and resplendent peonies all greeted me on my morning walk, today. Once again, we are reminded of the miracle of our seasons.

To all of my readers, Happy Summer!

Sincerely,

Elizabeth

Principal

Storytelling Communications

www.elizabethshih.com

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Article One: Do you think too much? How to free yourself from overthinking, with psychologist Pea Callesen

The May 2021 issue of the journal, “Psyche,” featured a fascinating article by the Danish metacognitive psychologist, Dr. Pea Callesen, called “How to stop overthinking.”

Although the article spanned several pages (and I recommend it to you), Callesen’s main argument was that persistently worrying, “stewing” and ruminating about one’s problems can yield unhealthy results. These include insomnia, trouble concentrating, a loss of energy, all of which can propel one’s worries further, “creating a vicious cycle of overthinking”(6).

Callesen writes that for many, overthinking results in anxiety and depression, which are exacerbated in pandemic times, when physical and mental isolation from family and friends intensifies our vulnerability to mental illness.

Given the times we live in, almost everyone has experienced overthinking at some point. Most of us also want to stop it, so Callesen’s insights are timely and relevant. But the world of overthinking is not a level playing field: People who have been overthinkers for many years sometimes feel ambivalent about stopping, afraid to let go of a familiar “crutch or coping mechanism.”

Callesen recommends that we confront the assumptions that underpin our fears, such as  “ ‘If I worry about what could go wrong, I’ll be able to do better next time.’ ” Ask yourself, she says, “if your ruminations have ever led to better decisions, fewer symptoms and more control?” Instead, worrying increases “tension, restlessness, . . . anxiety” and brings no better decision-making.

Callesen identifies five aspects of overthinking that clarify why we would do well to free ourselves from it:

(1) When we overthink, she says, we use defensive strategies to try to reduce our already present anxieties and worries, such as monitoring “threats, . . . seeking answers and reassurance, and excessive planning.” Such rumination is unfruitful and ends up “backfiring.” It “often leads to a heightened sense of danger, more worries and will maintain your belief that worrying is out of your personal control” (7).

Callesen reports from her clinical practice (some of which is conducted online from her clinic in Denmark) that many laypeople assume that thinking too much is “an innate personality trait; something we can’t change. However, the worry and rumination brought on by overthinking are a learned strategy that we choose—consciously or unconsciously—[when we try] to deal with our thoughts and feelings.”  We’d be more accurate to think of ruminating as “a bad habit we fall into” and one that we can learn to change (7).

(2) While overthinking is triggered by a particular thought, Callesen says that “it’s not the trigger thought in and of itself that causes unpleasant symptoms, nor is it the [number] of trigger thoughts we might have. It is the time we spend engaging in these thoughts, ruminating and worrying, that weighs us down” and burdens our minds (7).

(3) Trigger thoughts are automatic and can’t be stopped, but we can choose not to engage in  them—not “to ‘answer’ that thought and follow it up with more related thoughts,” and just to let it be.” We forget that thoughts are “ephemeral” and will go away, “if we don’t expend energy on them.”

(4) We can challenge the belief that overthinking is beyond our control by exploring “whether we’re able to postpone worries and ruminations” for a specific time of day (say one-half hour, late in the afternoon). Callesen says we can tell ourselves: “I’ll deal with this later.”

(5) It’s tempting to avoid situations that provoke trigger thoughts, but it’s more effective to practice letting go of those thoughts, rather than avoiding situations or settings.

Callesen and her mentors and colleagues have found that metacognitive therapy (and not cognitive behavioural therapy of the past, CBT) is the most effective way to deal with overthinking. And their research shows that it works effectively to counteract anxiety and depression.

She has published a book on metacognitive therapy, called, Live More, Think Less: Overcoming Depression and Sadness with Metacognitive Therapy (2020). She describes it as an “easy read” for laypeople that focuses on depression but applies to “overthinking in general.” Other online resources, including online treatment, are available from her and her colleagues on Zoom, YouTube and social media.

Callesen recommends that we train our attention to move from obsessive “interior inputs,” like trigger thoughts; and that we restrict “outer inputs” that come from external stressors. She recommends that overthinkers practice a 10 minute, three-step “attention training” exercise:

(1) Tune in to three or four environmental sounds, such as traffic, birdsong, chatter on a nearby radio, renovation noise, etc. Seek a setting where “some of the noises you select are nearer and louder, while others are further away and quieter.”

(2) Of the three or four sounds you’ve selected, practice tuning in to just one at a time, for about 10 seconds each (use a digital timer to help you). Let the other sounds fade into the background. After 10 seconds have passed, switch your focus to another of your sounds.

(3) After two minutes have passed, repeat the exercise, but switching more quickly between the sounds, allowing only 2-4 seconds for each one.

This exercise will help us to shift our attention between thoughts. Callesen suggests introducing a recording of a trigger thought into the exercise, to switch our attention toward and away from the sound of that thought.

With repetition, we can learn to let go of overthinking as a defensive strategy. Callesen says that with it comes “a great relief, and . . . the decisions you make won’t suffer from it.” If this and related exercises don’t provide much relief, she recommends a course of Metacognitive therapy (MCT) as a more intensive way to reduce anxiety and depression.

And now it’s your turn: Do you tend to overthink your way through life? Do you think that MCT could help? Please weigh in; I’d be delighted to hear from you.

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STORYTELLER’S CORNER . . .

A visit from “word nerd” Bryan Garner: Should we say “pall” or “pallor?”

 

 

In a recent blog posting,  American etymologist, Bryan Garner, explained the difference between the terms “pall” and “pallor.”

A “pall” means (1) a piece of cloth draped over a coffin or tomb; it can also be (2) a shortened form of  the word pallium, a robe worn by a bishop or by a monarch at a coronation.”

Garner says that the set phrase to cast a pall over (a situation) figuratively reflects the first meaning, above, to have gloom and defeat settle in.  By contrast, “pallor” refers to “a paleness of face, esp. a deathly lack of color.”

He writes that both words suggest that things “aren’t right!” But there the difference ends: a pallor is a paleness in the face, while a pall is something that causes gloom. Only a pall, not a pallor, is cast or hung.

Garner jokes that one “grows pallid” when reading the misuses of these terms that he cites:

“The strong-arm tactics cast a pallor [should read pall] over the once-lustrous Espy name.” Charles Whitaker, “Mike Espy: Bruised but Unbowed,” Ebony, 1 Apr. 1999, at 98.

Garner also cites this sentence: “Commerce students said the noontime fights cast a pallor [should read pall] on the rest of the day.” Mary Ellen O’Shea, “5 Arrested at Commerce After Fights,” Springfield Union News, 19 Oct. 2002, at B1.

What are your linguistic bugbears, these days? Please send them to me for future issues!

 

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SHOP NEWS:

I am grateful this month to be immersed in a 32 hour practicum, teaching English as a Second Language to several new, Middle Eastern Canadians. Special thanks to the staff of Nevy’s Language (Toronto) for keeping the teacher resources and bookings as highly functioning as possible.

And thanks to my Ontario – and Quebec-based  students who show up faithfully for our Zoom-based lessons, despite the temptations of nearby beaches and parks!

I’m also delighted to have begun professional coaching, as I broaden the scope of my storytelling services, from Saskatchewan’s own, Deanna Litz, of Powerful Nature Coaching & Consulting.

Over the past 12 years, Deanna has been the main facilitator and coach of the startSMART program, through the Praxis School of Entrepreneurship. Deanna is a seasoned veteran with so much to share; I look forward to learning from her insights and guidance!

Many thanks again to the Saskatoon Health Region for ably managing and dispensing second vaccinations, when Pfizer supply temporarily waned (last month) and when the variants raised local anxiety. Particular thanks go to lifelong friend and medical librarian (extraordinaire), Erin Watson, for informing me about a clinic that would expedite the process.

Special thanks as well to cousins and old friends in Ontario (from both university and copywriting days) who continue to write or call at holiday times, even when time is a limited commodity.

And a shout out to all colleagues and friends who (like me) are major caregivers for their elderly relatives in Saskatchewan’s flawed senior health care system, navigating challenging paths when resources are scarce.

A heartfelt thank you this month to the Drebit family and to Gisele Stodola for their generous friendship toward an aging family member.

And to my loyal readers who continue to read this newsletter, now 10 years since I first began it, thank you for your loyalty and interest!

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ABOUT US:

Between 2011 and December 2018, Elizabeth Shih Communications chronicled the stories of B2B marketing and communications on the Prairies and across the country.

Effective January 1, 2019, I rebranded as “Storytelling Communications.” Under the umbrella of assisting others in telling their stories, I help new- and economic immigrants to secure better jobs by improving their language skills; I help small- and medium-sized businesses to close more sales by communicating more effectively; and I help major companies to tell the stories of their legacies.

Interested in learning more? Please contact me through my CASL-compliant website (www.elizabethshih.com).

After I receive your message, I’ll be pleased to discuss projects with you!

Please visit my website for more information (www.storytellingcommunications.ca).

 

What does it mean to have adaptability as an entrepreneur? Here’s one answer . . . .

For the past 10 years (under two different names), “Storytelling Communications” has been dedicated to helping others tell their stories.

So I’m happy to announce that officially on September 1st (2021), I will take  adult learners of the English language as new clients!

As I have indicated in previous postings and in my monthly e-newsletter, during earlier Covid days I earned ESL teaching accreditation from the UK company, Tefl.Org.

Armed with that training, I have since begun teaching three learners through the not-for-profit organization, Nevy’s Language (based in Toronto, via Zoom). The students I work with are in differing ways enthusiastic and committed, challenging and, at times, withdrawn; they require me to be adaptive to their needs.

The concept of adaptability has been seen as key to success in freelancing and (more broadly) in entrepreneurship. American copywriter Ed Gandia recently blogged on the concept of adaptability. He defines the concept here:

“Adaptability is the ability to tackle business challenges by thinking critically and creatively about the problem and its solutions. It’s about being resourceful.  Learning from what worked and what didn’t. Keeping an open mind. Not giving up easily. Taking calculated risks. It means being willing to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.”

Adaptability, Gandia adds, allows entrepreneurs to “better navigate life’s challenges,” both in business and personally.  It allows us to be “more aware, perceptive, compassionate and vibrant.”

Teaching ESL for me, then, is not a new line or a deepening of my services, but a growth in scope of prospects and clients and of adaptability to elicit the stories they have to share.

For the past decade, I have been crafting language to help people tell their stories—whether they are a fifth-generation farmer near Punnichy, SK, or a recent immigrant opening a cafe in Riversdale, who wants to tell others about his/her new life in Canada.

So I continue to interview, write and edit “success stories.” But the scope of my clients is widening.

Through Nevy’s Language, new immigrant students share with me their hopes, dreams, fears and language woes, on a regular basis. And I witness (and encourage) their resilience and determination.

Seth Godin says of the world of marketing and communications that “marketing is no longer about the stuff you sell; it’s about the stories you tell.”

When I teach ESL and when I write persuasive copy, I tell others’ stories in different ways. I have begun to help new and economic immigrants to secure better jobs by improving their language skills. I also help small and medium-sized businesses to close more sales by communicating more effectively. Finally, I help major companies to tell the stories of their legacies.

These activities are focused on telling subtle, complicated and previously untold stories.

What stories do you have to share? Please be in touch; I’d be delighted to hear from you.

Stay tuned for more updates from Storytelling Communications!

Can your writing flourish? Nine strategies to get you there, in the June issue of Tell Your Story Newsletter!

June 2021 Vol 3 Issue 6

Tell Your Story Newsletter (TYSN):
Specializing in Entrepreneurial and Organizational Storytelling
Let me tell your story!

IN THIS ISSUE:

ARTICLE 1: Can your writing flourish? Nine strategies to get you there (from Daphne Gray-Grant) 

STORYTELLERS’ CORNER:

The throwaway phrase of “in fact . . . ” from Bryan Garner

SHOP NEWS

ABOUT US

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Welcome Mid-June 2021!

After observing a late spring with drought-like conditions, Saskatoon (and much of the province) has had some very timely rainfall, delighting farmers and gardeners alike. Although frost after Victoria Day destroyed too many bedding plants, we have since had welcome heat, and a return to a heat-wave, this week!

After a slow start to spring, it’s wonderful to hear on local radio all that Saskatonians are doing to improve their quality of life, despite the strain of our late pandemic times. Home renovations, craft activities and even much-needed spring cleaning help us to feel we are anchored to a healthier, more positive future.

In this month’s issue, I turn to Vancouver writer, Daphne Gray-Grant, who shares smart strategies that may help you to enjoy the process of writing, regardless of what kind of writing you do.

In “Storytellers’ Corner,” I visit the use of the throwaway phrase (i.e. discardable term), “in fact . . . .”  I often hear the term from new English speakers, when silence would be better (lol)!

I hope that you are enjoying our good weather and the opportunity to be closer to nature.  Alongside getting one’s vaccinations, sunshine awakens our knowledge of the seasons, after some 18+ trying months! And it does wonders for resetting one’s internal clock, if you are dogged by insomnia or restlessness.

Happy Summer!

Elizabeth

Principal

Storytelling Communications

www.elizabethshih.com

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Article One: Can your writing flourish? Nine strategies to get you there (from Daphne Gray-Grant) 

In the past week I have begun to roll out my ESL teaching and tutoring services and have been surprised by what fun it is to share the English language with newcomers to Canada! We meet on Zoom through a not-for-profit organization that is based in Toronto. While I continue to write and edit marketing copy for small- and medium-sized businesses, I am happy to expand my services to include language instruction. The students are so interesting and the conversations dynamic and fun!

Most ESL teaching focuses on the four major elements of reading, writing, speaking and listening. Most often, students find speaking and listening to be the most challenging elements, as they require the participation of another English speaker, who may not be available when the student is studying. To help with that, ESL teachers know that providing frequent meetings between themselves (as native speakers of English) and the new learner is invaluable.

One of my students in the past week, however, expressed concern about her writing skills and had  previously found that writing in English is demanding and rarely fun! I referred this student to a recent newsletter from Vancouver-based writing and publication coach, Daphne Gray-Grant. Daphne called her post, aptly, “How to flourish as a writer.”

For all writers (whether ESL, native speakers or others), Daphne’s sensible suggestions can make the writing process feel liberating, instead of taxing. Here are her nine tips on how to thrive (in her word, “flourish”) as a writer:

(1) Read as much as possible: Writers read a lot and not only to research knowledge or check plot structure. Daphne says that writers also read to learn the stylistic strategies of other writers. Writers can observe sentence structures, syntax and rhythm. This isn’t plagiarism, because no ideas are being copied. And yet writers too often forget the importance of reading Daphne compares the process to the that of new artists sitting in galleries to copy the work of the masters. Similarly chefs taste what they cook, as they go. And musicians listen to a great deal of music, as they learn.

(2) Give yourself enough time for thinking through your ideas: While writers often use pre-writing, the act of writing casually until they discover their own ideas and opinions, it’s important, still, to give yourself time away from the computer (and your desk) simply to think! Often mental insights can come when you’re walking in nature, or on a commute to an appointment, and so on. If you’re worried about missing these breakthroughs, speak into a voice recorder on your smartphone. (Or take a note in a notebook you carry for creative purposes!) You’ll be glad that you did!

(3) Avoid the temptation to edit while you write: Although a writer may want to analyze each sentence as soon as they write it, doing so is an awful trap for the creative process. It’s far better to draft a section of your document (essay, chapter, etc.) and then take a break (at least overnight) before editing it. The first draft may be “rubbish” when you read it a day later, but it will give you a valid starting point from which to refine your thinking.

(4) Use a mindmap or diagram to register your ideas and the thinking that connects them: Instead of trying to write an outline before you know what you think about a topic, try doing what Daphne calls the “opposite of outlining”—i.e. mapping your thoughts onto blank (unruled) paper. The purpose of the mindmap is not to organize your ideas, but to try to “inspire” your thinking and the connections between your thoughts.

(5) Tell stories more often: Writing is not merely about sharing knowledge with your readers; it’s “keeping them involved and interested.”  Daphne recommends listening to–and writing–stories to enrich your creative process. She says that many TED talk speakers, like psychologist Shawn Achor, write well because their writing tells good stories. Incorporating stories into your writing makes it appealing, engaging, and much more memorable.

(6) Don’t try to multi-task:  The process of trying to write while doing other tasks will make you “miserable,” Daphne says, and your writing will suffer. Other tasks are distracting, causing you to make more mistakes, progress more slowly, find the process more stressful and ultimately produce inferior copy.  Daphne recommends turning off “ALL your notifications” (texts, emails, social media, etc.).

(7) Take care of your body: Many people approach writing as though it is a 100%  intellectual exercise. But it also involves a lot of one’s physical body, too. Your body needs a break after spending long hours at a time hunched over a keyboard. Your breathing is similarly subordinated to the process. So Daphne prescribes a break every 25 minutes to stretch. Monitor your own posture and breathing, so that you do not endanger your physical health. Try to get exercise daily, as it improves your brain health. Your writing will thank you for it!

(8) Maintain happiness (as much as possible): Daphne says that writers often measure happiness by the number of good words they write per day. She turns this thinking on its head, asserting that writers will write more if they are happier.

So if you’re recovering from emotional or other pain, try not to force yourself to write anything. Instead, give yourself a mental break (take a walk, listen to some uplifting music, talk to a friend or read cards and notes from others) to restore your own state of mind. She says: “The happier you are, the more you’ll be able to write.”

(9) Draw up goals for improving your writing: Daphne argues that writing is a process of self-improvement, where even the most gifted have problems to resolve.

Some find challenges in doing research; others in drafting; others in editing, and so on. Daphne recommends finding out what your major challenge is, as a writer, and making a concerted effort to deal with it.

 

Reading books on the writing process (I recommend Dani Shapiro’s Still Writing and Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird), sharing your writing with a coach or other writer whom you trust, or hiring an editor, etc., are all steps you can take to improve your creative process.

 

While Daphne’s nine strategies illustrate that planning and perseverance are needed to enjoy writing (and for it to succeed, on whatever terms you  choose), adopting her nine strategies makes it possible to find the process and outcome rewarding and pleasurable.

 

And now it’s your turn: Have you tried any of these recommendations to make your writing flourish? What results have you seen? Please share; I’d be delighted to hear from you. 

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STORYTELLER’S CORNER: 

Word nerd alert! The throwaway phrase of “in fact… ” (with Bryan Garner)

 

While speaking to a new immigrant in Saskatoon recently, I found that he would often preface his opinions with the phrase, “In fact . . . .” The phrase next left the mouth of one of my online students of English as a Second Language (ESL).

Other, native speakers whom I occasionally meet will sometimes use “In point of fact . . . .” Such phrases are what etymologist Bryan Garner calls “flotsam phrases”–i.e. throwaway words that fill spaces in conversation while the speaker thinks of what that s/he’ll say next.

 

Making occasional, silent pauses is preferable to using throwaway words and I encourage both new and experienced English speakers to slow the speed of their speaking down. Slowing down gives us the time to think about what we’re saying.  Silence can be a virtue, as Victorian novelists and essayists used to say (sometimes, ironically, taking volumes to do so)!

 

Practicing a new language, or talking about something one does not know well, is not a time to become impatient with one’s own thinking! Our brains take time to develop our capacities for new languages and new ideas—and there could never be a better reason for taking time than that.

 

Do you notice yourself or others near you using “throwaway phrases?” Which ones? And how can you slow down your speaking to reduce or eliminate them? 

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In SHOP NEWS:

I’m delighted (as I indicate elsewhere in this newsletter) to roll out English as a Second Language (ESL) teaching services through Nevy’s Language, a not-for-profit program, based in Toronto. Thanks to its director, Mahmoud, for organizing and maintaining the program, which enables new immigrants to Canada to learn English more easily.

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I’m saddened to write of the passing of a dear family friend, Merle McGowan, on May 28th, after a well-lived life (1931-2021). Merle was a great friend of my family and once trained in diaconal ministry with my mother (before women could become ordained in church ministry).

Merle’s taste in visual art, great books, delicious and varied cuisine, and deep friendships made her a favourite friend to many. We miss her already and will long remember her. Rest in Peace, good friend.

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Special thanks this month to Damien and Megan Kent at Little Ox Film Company, in Saskatoon, who capably engineered a short video to promote my teaching and writing services. They were inspiring and generous to work with. I highly recommend Little Ox for your videography needs!

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Special thanks also to the Raj Manek Mentorship Program, notably Kanchan and Sona Manek, for organizing another year of inspiring webinars for both mentors and proteges.

Particular thanks this month to Jenn Minor Johannson, who shared her energy and insights about “pandemic fatigue,” that so many of us now feel! The group of women entrepreneurs who tuned into the webinar were equally thoughtful.

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Thank you also goes to Carl Cameron Day and webinar organizers at Tefl.org (from whom I took my ESL training). On a weekly basis, Carl has motivated new teachers to teach more effectively, especially when we have not taught languages before.

If you’re interested in ESL training, do please consider the UK-based Tefl.org, which has excellent programs and professional development resources.

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ABOUT US:

Between 2011 and December 2018, Elizabeth Shih Communications chronicled the stories of B2B marketing and communications on the Prairies and across the country.

On January 1 2019, my company rebranded as “Storytelling Communications.” I now help new and economic immigrants to secure better jobs by improving their language skills (ESL teaching); and I help small- and medium-sized businesses to improve their sales by communicating more effectively (B2B copywriting).

Interested in learning more? Please contact me through my CASL-compliant website (www.elizabethshih.com).

After I receive your message, I’ll be pleased to discuss projects with you!

Please visit my website for more information (www.storytellingcommunications.ca).

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Do we over-apologize at the wrong times? Jen Fisher says yes and why we should stop

In the context of the tragic and horrific discovery of 215 unmarked graves from the children of the Indian Residential School system in Kamloops and some 751 graves on Cowesses First Nation, Saskatchewan, many of us have been feeling deep sorrow for our Indigenous neighbours. The word “apology” has been on our lips, in the media, and on Parliament Hill.

Many of those reading and watching about these discoveries were not involved in the abuse of 150,00 Indigenous children, who were cruelly taken from their families and mistreated or tortured, even to the point of death. But we recognize these atrocities and express sorrow for what we did not control. We also offer to walk with our Indigenous sisters and brothers as they seek to heal and to be reconciled with themselves, their painful histories and  with other members of Canadian society. We must also commit never to let such atrocities recur.

Much of the abuse we have been learning about germinated from leaders of the Catholic Church, in schools run on behalf of Canada’s Federal Government. Most thinking and feeling Canadians agree with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Indigenous leaders, such as FSIN Chief Bobby Cameron, that Pope Francis needs to express a profound apology on behalf of the Church he represents. Moreover, Trudeau and SK Indigenous leaders have called for the Pope to come to Canada to deliver his apology—in person.

At least one Catholic person whom I know believes that the Pope should also express that apology—formally—in Rome, something he has failed to do, since it is his Church and the Federal Government (originally led by Prime Minister Sir John A. Macdonald) which must take responsibility for these egregious violations of human rights.

What worries me is that as we Canadians walk in loss with our Indigenous neighbours, many other, less serious matters seem to trigger knee-jerk apologies (some of which we hear in local news) that weaken the sentiment of what an apology really means. This reality affects and connects both entrepreneurial communities and Indigenous ones. Words are powerful and  the words “I am sorry” can be depleting. This week’s blog posting considers how.

Outside of the echelons of the Vatican and away from the atrocities of the Residential School system, while it may sound initially jarring, there are truths about the value of apologizing in our workaday lives that we need to acknowledge, if we are to preserve the meaning of “I am sorry” for our Indigenous neighbours.

It has often been noted that apologizing, along with Tim Horton’s coffee and the latest NHL scores, is a reflex of many Canadians. (Many have casually joked that when you step on the foot of a Canadian, s/he will apologize more quickly than you do.)  In entrepreneurial circles, the American Jen Fisher (Chief Well-being Officer at the financial regulatory and advisory firm, Deloitte), has observed that apologizing reflects our instincts to seek acceptance and belonging.

While Fisher has made no public comment connecting apology making and human rights violations, such as those committed against Indigenous children in Canada, Fisher says that in far more minor circumstances, we need to “reclaim the power of the apology for when we really need it.” She writes: “ ‘I am sorry’ is too important a phrase to waste” in miniscule moments in an office or boardroom. The words are then weakened so as to have less effect, when they are “actually warranted,” such as in cases  of human rights violations.

If we apologize unthinkingly (i.e. over-apologize) in minor situations, we “appear less confident, which can in turn make us less confident.” We feel that lack of confidence, which then interferes with our capacity for empathy that all humans desperately need to offer each other. Knee-jerk apologies, then, can do more harm than good.

Fisher recommends nine ways to reconsider how we use apologizing in the smaller moments of workaday life:

(1) Know when to apologize: Fisher recommends that we choose to apologize in part by acknowledging what we have done.  In cases such as the Residential School atrocities, we need the power of a full apology from Church and from Government, and from the vantage point of citizens who were not there, but who still share victims’ pain and want to offer support.

By contrast, in workaday exchanges, such as when we request legitimately a service,  Fisher says, we have not done wrong and should avoid weakening expressions like “I’m sorry to bother you.”

(2) Go to the root of the problem: If you apologize for something in particular, Fisher says to “go to the source of the problem. If you can change what is mistaken, it may save you from over-apologizing.” For instance, if you’re frequently arriving late to commitments in your life, recognize that you need to revise how you manage your calendar. “Thank you for your patience,” is more appropriate than an apology, in cases where one’s delayed by uncontrollable circumstances.

(3) Be open and truthful: In more workaday circumstances (emphatically unlike the Residential School atrocities), it can be better to give context for something you cannot stop or control. Fisher cites the example of a worker whose young child cries in the background of a Zoom meeting: “You can explain that [the child] missed her nap.”  Here, too, “you can let others know why” or enlist their help to fill a gap for which you might otherwise over-apologize.

(4) Learn from mistakes: In routine life (emphatically unlike the Residential School atrocities), when small things happen imperfectly, Fisher says: “even if it is our fault, instead of ‘I’m sorry,’ we can take responsibility and acknowledge what happened and learn from it. What is essential is that we provide an explanation as to ‘how we’ll do this differently next time.’ ”  We need to let our colleagues, friends, supervisors and others know that we “take their concerns seriously.”

(5) Reach for empathy, not sympathy: The psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut made famous the distinction between sympathy (“I’m sorry that happened”) and empathy (“I can tell that was really terrible/overwhelming/painful for you”). Fisher says that while sympathy is good, empathy allows us to open a conversation and deepen a relationship.

She notes that we can use our empathy “to . . . stop someone else from feeling the need to apologize,” when it is not warranted.  (In front of a screaming child on an airplane, a fellow traveller could say empathetically, to the child’s parent: “I feel like your child does, today!”)  We must shore up our supplies of empathy for times when a full and heartfelt apology (such as in the context of our Indigenous neighbours’ histories) is warranted.

(6) Be grateful:  Fisher notes that while over-apologizing depletes our self-esteem, “gratitude does the opposite.”  When we think of things we’re grateful for, our minds are buoyed, and that buoyancy can spread to others. If we are grateful that we have benefited by living and working on land once held by our Indigenous neighbours, then we need to gratefully acknowledge that and do what we can to be reconciled with those neighbours. We can give them our gratitude and support of many kinds to help them to heal.

(7) Never apologize for caring for yourself: Fisher says we should never apologize for taking time to take care of ourselves—and this applies to everyone. When we don’t take sufficient care of ourselves, we’re more likely “to show up as poor versions of ourselves and to apologize preemptively for things” that we’re just “too depleted to deal with.”

Being “unapologetic” about workaday self-care can save ourselves from actions that could demand serious apology, later.

(8) Give yourself and others grace in challenging times: In religious terms, “grace” refers to unmerited Divine assistance given by a Deity to humans for their regeneration and redemption (OED).

In the terrible context of the atrocities committed against our Indigenous neighbours, when the Federal Government and the Catholic Church apologize, they would do well to point to the reality that only genuine spiritual assistance can overcome the inhumanity they have caused. Only grace can uplift victims from inhumanity done (treacherously) in the name of a God or organized religion or government.

As a workplace wellness specialist, Jen Fisher writes more generically about showing grace to ourselves and others, as these pandemic times recede. But her words also apply to the work of Truth and Reconciliation in Canada. She writes: “As our society begins to open back up and people  . . . return to the workplace, it’s not always going to go smoothly. People are going to have different comfort levels about . . . simply being around other people again. So give yourself some grace.”

We can add: Don’t over-apologize when apologies are not needed. Save those apologies for when they really are. Fisher concludes: “And extend that grace outward, too, since we don’t always know what challenges others are dealing with.”

Now more than ever, our Indigenous friends need the gift of emotional and spiritual grace: It can begin with a heartfelt apology from others, for what they have experienced and continue to endure, today.

Let’s follow Fisher’s insights to avoid over-apologizing for miniscule things and save our apologies for when they are really due. 

And now it’s your turn: What do you notice about mainstream culture’s tendency to over-apologize, when unwarranted, that weakens our feelings and words for times when apologies truly are needed?  Please write in; I’d be delighted to hear from you.

Why do setting and keeping internal boundaries matter? Advice from B2B copywriter, Ed Gandia

Georgia-based B2B copywriter, blogger, podcaster and coach, Ed Gandia, has produced some great marketing materials during the past  decade or so in which I have followed him. I “met” him by reading the influential book, The Wealthy Freelancer (that Ed co-wrote with my former coach, Steve Slaunwhite), and through their shared work in the “International Freelancers’ Academy.

Ed finds as much fascination in issues of entrepreneurial well-being as I do, and he regularly shares his research and insights on it.

Recently, I listened to a program he published on the importance of setting and keeping our own mental boundaries, as solo professionals, so that work does not take over all the time (and then some!) that we have. Ed cites “Parkinson’s Law,” that “work will expand to take up all available time,” if we let it. And nothing good follows.

For instance, if we make a habit of working on weekends, and don’t respect our own need for rest and to be with families and friends, we break the limits that we set for ourselves, leaving us prone to exhaustion and burn-out.  Our families express their disappointment and anger (or, if they’re children, they act out).

There’s nothing new to this observation, as psychotherapists, psychoanalysts and other mental health specialists wrote about “boundary violations” at least three decades ago. But Ed’s program caused me to pause because he describes how negotiating our own inner boundaries can be challenging, specifically because we are subject to both false guilt (FG) and true guilt (TG). Both forms of guilt can dog the outcome when we break our own boundaries.

True guilt (TG), Ed observes, results when we make mistakes or blunders that show that we lack internal integrity. For instance, we double-book meetings by mistake. Or we “mess up” by submitting work that was not our best, due to time constraints. TG makes us resolve the problem or fault the best we can by making amends (especially trying to learn from the mistake, so as not to repeat it), forgiving ourselves and moving on. It’s not a comfortable feeling, but it is finite in duration.

False guilt (FG), by contrast, is a learned response, triggered by a demand outside of ourselves that we could not or did not meet. This kind of guilt is unreasonable (i.e. you cannot reason with it, logically). It is also inappropriate (the guilt persists, unfairly) and unhealthy. FG makes us feel terrible and like a record stuck in a groove, causes us to blame and berate ourselves (e.g. constantly saying what we “should” do or have done). Ed calls this “should-ing all over ourselves!” There are no options available when one has FG, because you feel guilty in either case, and that is key to its destructive power.

The reason I mention Ed’s distinction between these forms of guilt (that date back to early writings of psychoanalysis) is that anyone who works creatively must be especially vigilant about FG. It leaves our minds stuck, like the proverbial needle in the groove of a record, so we feel there are “no other options available.” When you continue to feel guilty, despite having already apologized to anyone else involved, you have a problem.

Ed reminds us that when we feel FG, we override our internal boundaries, protecting others’ feelings and needs, to a pathological extent, above our own. In simple terms, we allow a client who calls in a rush order on 3:00 pm on Friday, due the following Tuesday, because, well, they’re a repeat client and we can cancel our planned outing with the kids. (Obviously, worse suffering and loss will ensue from decisions made in FG.) 

While TG is a necessary experience when we fall short, learn and grow from our failures, FG can overwhelm us with self-abuse that never goes anywhere positive. Whether we call our internal needs and commitments “boundaries” or not, Ed’s observation that they are often tied to our guilt reflect how genuine they are and that they warrant our respect.

And now it’s your turn. If you analyze your behaviour at work and at home, where do you find true and false guilt arising? How do they help or hinder your internal boundaries? And what effect does each have on your business and life?